


Always Wanted But Never to Have

by xBooxBooxBear



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Brief look at Cullen's past in Kirkwall, Cullen's love life, Cullen's past from Dragon Age Origins, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Harboring over loves lost, Kissing, Lavellan's name is her canon one, Mages and Templars, The Hero of Ferelden is a mage so Cullen has his crush on her, Warden ends up with Alistair, Warden has a name, based on my games, story takes place in Dragon age Inquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 02:13:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3191459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xBooxBooxBear/pseuds/xBooxBooxBear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hero of Ferelden was First Enchanter Irving's star pupil. She was a powerful human mage. She was so full of potential and all the mages looked up to her. And why wouldn’t they? Along with her powers, she was a beautiful woman. She was kind and caring to everyone, even the templars. She was the only mage that ever talked to him and the only one to cause his heart to flutter. But it could never be. Not only was she out of his league but also out of reach. Templars were meant to protect mages and everyone from them. No matter how desperately he longed to be with her, it could never happen. Templars and Mages were never meant to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Wanted But Never to Have

**Author's Note:**

> 11/8/17- I edited the story and changed the inquisitor's name to her canon name as an elf.

Cullen stood at his post in the Circle of Magi corridors, keeping a watchful eye on the mages that passed through. Their eyes lifted, watching him cautiously as he did them. He was trained to act at any moment. You never knew when a mage could strike and become an abomination.

The sound of some accustomed voices ahead caught his attention. He gasped and straightened up, trying his best to look important. A pair of familiar mages, Jowan and Ellie, approached him. Timid Jowan kept his head low, eyes peering through his eyelashes, keeping a careful gaze on the templar. His companion, Ellie, met Cullen in the eyes and smiled sweetly to him and offered an innocent hello. Cullen gulped nervously and tried to smile back but it resulted in an awkward grin. Ellie giggled as they walked past him. He turned his head and watched her, his heart missing a beat.

Ellie was First Enchanter Irving's star pupil. She’d just passed her Harrowing with flying colors, no less. He expected as much from her. She was a powerful human mage. She was so full of potential and all the mages looked up to her. And why wouldn’t they? Along with her powers, she was a beautiful woman. She was kind and caring to everyone, even the templars. She was the only mage that ever talked to him and the only one to cause his heart to flutter. But it could never be. Not only was she out of his league but also out of reach. Templars were meant to protect mages and everyone from them. No matter how desperately he longed to be with her, it could never happen. Templars and Mages were never meant to be.

She was the one thing he wanted but could never have.

Everything changed the night her friend Jowan used blood magic and tried to escape with his Chantry lover, Lily. He’d asked Ellie for her help to escape and she agreed under Irving’s orders. However, she was blamed for the whole ordeal and was to be punished until a Grey Warden, by the name of Duncan, saved her by recruiting her. She left the tower that night without so much as a goodbye to Cullen.

Cullen’s heart broke that night. It pained him with every fiber in his body, but he told himself it was for the better. He could no longer be tempted. He could resume his duty as a templar without any distractions. It was hard when he still longed for her.

A few months passed after she departed, and everything went to shit. One of the high-ranked mages, Uldred, began corrupting and converting mages to perform blood magic. He turned them and templars into abominations. The mages captured Cullen and locked him in a magical barrier where they tortured the poor templar using hallucinations. Every day they’d play with his mind, sifting through his thoughts, taunting and reminding him of the one thing he’d always wanted but never to have. No matter what they threw at him, even as difficult as some of the methods were. he remained strong. He’d yell and scream to convince himself that the hallucinations of her weren’t real, no matter the heartache.

Then one day the hallucination became real. Ellie returned to the tower and saved him. She saved the tower and defeated Uldred. He thought for a moment that she returned for him, but it wasn’t so. She only returned for the mages help to save the Arl's son from a demon possession and invoke the Grey Warden treaties for them to help with the Blight.

She didn’t return for him. Not only did that hurt him but later he found out she was involved with someone else. The bastard-Prince Alistair, heir to the throne of Ferelden. Of course, she would be with someone like him. A prince was better than a templar. Even a bastard prince.

His heart completely shattered that day.

He ended up leaving Ferelden and joined the templars in Kirkwall.

Despite that he left Ferelden, he couldn’t escape Ellie. She was constantly in his dreams and reality. She was the talk of Thedas. She’d beaten the Archdemon and stopped the blight given the title, _The Hero of Ferelden._ Even a few months after the news had quietened her name resurfaced when it was announced that she and King Alistair were married. Her name was on everyone’s lips again. It was hard to get away from her even when he wasn't in his home country.

Cullen managed to keep her off his mind at Kirkwall with the fuss of the Templar and Mage war going on about. She only seeped into his mind when he slept and relived memories or the nightmares from the Circle of Magi. Not only would he wake up, breathless with cold sweat but also with heartache and agony.

Things were different now. He didn’t have time to think of her now as Commander of the Inquisition.

 Chaos broke out when the Champion of Kirkwall’s mage friend blew up the chantry. The war between mages and templars escalated. There was a tear in the sky and rift portals appearing everywhere with demons popping out of them. His mind was preoccupied with the Inquisition and other chaos that Ellie never invaded anymore.

Cullen managed to push Ellie out the day he met Ellana Lavellan. Ellana was a dalish elf mage that had been sent to the Divine Conclave by her clan, as a spy, to find out if the Divine could discuss a possibility of a peace treaty between mages and templars. However, when it blew up, she somehow ended up in the fade and escaped it with a female figure, later dubbed to be Andraste herself, helping her out. She appeared to be the only survivor in the conclave with a magical mark on her left hand, granting her ability to close the rifts in Thedas. She was known as the Herald of Andraste and later became the leader of the Inquisition.

Ellana was a beautiful woman. She was pale and petite. She had short snow-blonde hair that was swept up into a ponytail with curled pieces framing her round face. Her eyes dark brown with a tree tattoo on her forehead that fell to the bridge of her nose and stretched to her temples. Her full lips were a light pink and when she smiled it was like Andraste herself shined upon you. She was stunning to say in the least, like most elves were, but there was something about her that captivated him. She was strong and smart with a clever tongue. She was a powerful mage; able to perform some very powerful spells and magic he’d never seen before. She didn't seem to hold a grudge against humans like most elves did. She liked everyone, and everyone liked her which was good when you led an army.

Cullen had found himself watching from the corner of his eye when she wandered about Haven. She was hardly at the village what with her recruiting agents and collecting resources for the cause. Not to mention, closing rifts and other problems in Thedas. The rare times she was in Haven, she always stopped by the training yard to have a chat with the commander. She often asked about his reports and thoughts on her companions. Often, she’d flirt with which left him blushing red and stammering awkwardly.

He knew he had feelings for her but didn’t know how strong until Haven was destroyed. The Red Templars led by the self-proclaimed god, Corypheus, attacked. The god had come for the mark on Ellana’s hand was going to destroy everything to get to it. Ellana distracted the god while Cullen and the others escaped in the tunnels under Haven. They sent a flare off to alert the Herald of their safety and she caused an avalanche to stop the army from going any further. As the red templars and Haven were buried under the avalanche so was the Herald.

He worried endlessly over her disappearance. He led several search parties to look for her, but the snow storm was too much for his men. After several hours, she was presumed dead. Who could survive that avalanche? Cullen felt his heart break once again until he looked up and saw her stumbling half frozen into view. His heart renewed as he rushed to her. She collapsed into his hold when he approached her, and he swept her up in his arms and returned her to camp. He realized then that he cared deeply for her and never wanted to lose her again.

It had been some months after that terrible night. Cullen was in his new founded office in the Skyhold keep. He glanced out his window and replayed the nightmare from the night prior. It was one of the tormented ones that involved Ellie. He closed his eyes and tried to push the memory out. Fortunately for him, he heard the door opened. The nightmare and Ellie vanished instantly the moment he glanced over his shoulder and saw Ellana enter the room.

His brown eyes widened a little. He straightened up and turned to face his leader.

“At your service, Inquisitor.” He greeted her.

Ellana smiled as she strolled towards him. “There's no need to be so formal, Cullen.”

“I apologize.” He gulped, nervously. “Was there something you needed?”

Her smile fell slightly. She glanced down at the floor then back up at him, nervously. “I thought we could talk? Alone?”

His eyes widened a bit. “Alone? I mean, of course.”

She smiled softly and led him outside along the battlements. They walked together side by side in awkward silence.

Cullen scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously as he tried to break the awkwardness. “It's a, uh, nice day?”

She glanced at him. “What?”

They stopped and looked at each other.

“It’s...there was something you wished to discuss?” he asked, scratching the back of his neck.

“Cullen, I care for you and...” She trailed off and glanced away.

“What's wrong?” he asked, concerned.

“You left the templars, but do you trust mages?” She met his eyes, worry forming in hers. “Could you think of me as anything more?”

“I could, I mean, I do...think of you. And what I might do in this sort of situation.” He frowned. He bowed his head and brought his hand to his face, realizing he was messing this all up. His shoulders fell and began walking away in defeat.

She followed and glanced towards him. Her back against the battlements wall. “What's stopping you?

He looked at her surprised that she still wanted to carry on the conversation. He was glad. This meant he hadn't screwed it up. “You're the Inquisitor. We're at war. And you-” He took a couple of cautious steps towards her. “I didn't think it was possible.”

She smiled softly at him and shrugged her shoulders lightly. “And yet I'm still here.”

He smiled and moved closer towards her. “So, you are.”

He leaned forward. Their faces inches away. He slowly moved his lips closer to hers and spoke softly, “It seems too much to ask but I want to-”

Suddenly the door from the battlements barged open and a voice called for Cullen.

“Commander!”

A scout walked towards them with his eyes glued to the papers in his hands. Unaware of what he’d interrupted. “You wanted a copy of Sister Liliana's reports.” The scout reminded him.

Cullen turned angrily and glared at the reporter.

“What?” He snarled.

“Sister Liliana's reports. You wanted them 'without delay'.” He lifted his eyes to meet the scowling commander's.

Cullen took a threatening step towards him and continued to glare. The reporter looked at him frightened before he peered behind the commander to see the Inquisitor bringing a hand to the side of her face in embarrassment. He glanced between Cullen and Ellana then realized what was happening.

“Or...to your office...right.” He backed away cautiously. His eyes glanced between the two before bolting back to Cullen’s office.

Ellana sighed and glanced away. “If you need to-”

She let out a surprised gasp. Her eyes widened when she felt Cullen's lips crash into hers. His hands held the side of her face gently, kissing her with so much desire. Ellana's lids fell and she found herself kissing him back just as eagerly. Her hands fell to his waist.

Cullen slowly broke the kiss. His eyelids fluttered open. Heart performing somersaults in his chest.

“I'm sorry.” He slowly pulled away but kept their faces close. “That was, um, really nice.”

Ellana looked at him a little worried. “You don't regret it, do you?”

“No!” Cullen blurted but relaxed and smiled. “No. Not at all!”

The Herald smiled. She leaned up and captured his lips with hers. “I'm glad.”

Cullen's heart raced as he held Ellana. Every nerve in his body tingled at her touch and he put in all the passion and desire his heart had for her in that kiss and she returned it with the same amount. They ended up spending the night together and when he awoke from his usual nightmares, Ellana was there to comfort him.

He knew now that he was right in the past. The Hero of Ferelden was someone he could never have because the Maker had sent him The Herald of Andraste and she was his to keep.

 


End file.
